thank u, next

Everyone is obsessed with Ari’s latest song and with good reason. It’s super fucking addicting…aaand also has a great message about how even if it didn’t work out with your ex, you still likely learned something of importance from them. This also applies to guys you hooked up, even if it wasn’t that serious, or at least that’s how I’m looking at it. There’s definitely been a few guys that I thought I was into (or just hung out with for the attention) that in the end helped me realize something; mostly that I just liked the attention more than them and needed to move on — I’m a gemini, clearly.

I, after two glasses of wine one night, had the (dumb) idea to reach out to a few of these lucky contenders and get their thoughts on whatever had happened with us. I’m aware that I’m a psycho and weird but you gotta do what you gotta do for the content, amirite?

Victim Guy 1: Luke from Lasell

Luke has been asking if/when he would be featured on here. Well, here’s your big break. I don’t even know what to categorize Luke and I under: we never slept together and we never even slept in the same bed. It’s actually pretty funny how it all started but let me back up.

Luke was a year younger than me and I met him when he was a freshman and I a sophomore. He hung out in the same group as my friends. He was from Boston, accent included, and was a typical Boston guy: owned every New England sports team gear imaginable,  drank a lot of beer, and chain smoked. He was only slightly taller than me, with dark brown eyes and short, brown hair with a scruffy beard.

On Valentine’s Day. my sophomore year, the school set up this absurd Valentine’s Day dinner in the cafeteria, The lighting was dim, there were pink and red flowers and balloons EVERYWHERE. There was a fondue station with every option of food to dip into it. It was overwhelming to say the least, especially when you’re single and don’t care about that. My friends and I, being us, decided to just buy a box of Franzia (It was college, it’s allowed!) and drink to being single. This was also on a random Wednesday night but hey, college, yeah?!

A few hours later I was scrolling away on Facebook when Luke messaged me asking what I was up to. We had never really talked outside of the group before but I was pretty tipsy at this point and didn’t think much of it. I invited him over and shortly after, my other friends left and it was just us alone. I don’t remember the timeline but at some point he kissed me and it was a very drunk, very sloppy kiss.  Eventually we got into a rhythm and it was normal but it definitely was an awkward first kiss.

I didn’t know it that night but would soon learn that Luke had a rule of “No Sleepovers.” Like, talk about feeling like you’re the star of “Pretty Woman” after fooling around with a guy in his room after a party at 1 a.m. and then he asks you to leave… I don’t remember being a psycho or clingy but apparently I came off desperate AF. See for yourself:

“You were very eager to please to get an opening into a potential relationship. While I was there I enjoyed the time but I could sense a wantingness to be in a relationship. At the time I wanted a quick hook up and that satisfied it but overall I felt you were looking for love in the wrong places.

Why pay a shrink when I have Luke, right? To be fair, I remember drunkenly texting him a lot one night but that was pretty standard. And also to be fair, Luke was probably right. I just wanted attention from all of the wrong people and places instead of focusing on myself.

Obviously, Luke and I did not keep our weird hangouts (NOT SLEEPOVERS) going on for much longer. I had to find new people to make new mistakes with.

Victim Guy 2: Reed from Rutland

I went to high school with Reed and we were in the same grade but we never hung out with the same crowd. I think he hung out with the popular/stoner/snowboarding crowd but it was so long ago — one of those. His usual look back then consisted of a Polo shirt, dark straight legged jeans, Sperrys, and a backwards INSERT SNOWBOARDING BRAND HERE hat with his wavy brown hair pouring out of the sides.

I had a few classes with him throughout the years but I was super shy (before I knew alcohol made you social!) and definitely didn’t go out of the way to talk to people, especially guys. I only really started hanging out with Reed when I was home from college during Summer before junior year. My best friend from high school, Hannah, and I hung out at our friend Chip’s house every night that break, and coincidentally so did Reed. (Fun fact: there was a huge Thrifty sign outside of his house –don’t know why — so everyone referred to it as going to Thrifty) One night there Reed and I were on Chip’s deck and I was sitting on the ledge (probably 30 feet up) and I remember him kissing me before me almost falling off said ledge. God, that would have been bad. Anyways, I guess that’s the romantic meet cute of him and I.

I had just stopped seeing this guy I was really into and was feeling insecure and upset so naturally I fed off any attention given to me. Reed and I went on to hook up here and there. One time that really sticks out to me is when I had my dad drive Hannah and I to his apartment up in Pico (a mountain near my house) and when he brought me into his room there were literally seven beds… and he told me to choose which one. I still have no answers on that but hopefully assuming it was a furnished apartment when he got it. Anyways, nothing went further than a hookup with Reed and he was super chill and fun but basically it just fizzled out when I went back to school. And, from Reed himself, here’s what went down:

“…When it comes to high school I always thought you were a little shy and I don’t think we talked much but my first impression of you was you were quiet but cute.  After high school when we were partying a lot, I do remember the night we made out at a party at Chip’s house and you were sitting up on the railing on his stairs and we were both super drunk and after the fact I was like wow if she fell off there when we were kissing it would have not been good. Idk if that’s what you needed but I hope it was helpful and that you’re doing well 😊

Still so nice! And yes, thank god I didn’t fall off of a deck and die.

This post could probably be pages long. I spent a lot of time looking for the wrong things in the wrong places with the wrong people. Eventually down the line, and I mean reaallyy down the line, did I stop hooking up with people such as ones with no sleepover rules (please, do not subject yourself to that) and started focusing on what and who I actually wanted.

Also, thanks Ariana, for the girl power anthem and inspo.


-Gossip Girl

-That psycho girl who reaches out to former whatevers for content✌️ (I just learned that that’s called the “Victory Sign” emoji, not peace sign. Interesting.


OkCupid is Not Okay

Rewind to spring semester of junior year:

I joined OkCupid. I don’t know why. I realize now that I was a 20-year-old woman at the time who most likely did not need to use a dating app to find guys. However, I went to Lasell College where the population ratio was 70% female so you do the math of how many eligible guys there were to choose from. Also, I don’t think Tinder was as big as it is now so don’t judge me on the app choice – or do – I’d probably judge myself.

The whole experience was as weird as one would expect.  As soon as you (if you’re female) sign up on OkCupid the messages flood in and don’t stop.  The guys on there had no shame and would send me messages before I even added a profile picture. Obviously, there were a lot of unwanted messages (mainly attempted sexts or dick pics) but the normal messages that came into my inbox were kind of nice. To be honest, I loved the attention,  even if it was in the form of a notification on my phone from strangers. I’ll go out on a not-so-long limb and say that a lot of other girls probably felt that way as well. 

Here are some samples of the dates I (still shockingly) went on,

Date: Queen Quinn

Dating Dilemma: Quinn was the first guy I met on OkCupid. He seemed normal enough and was decent looking from his photo. He had amber brown eyes, wavy, light brown hair, and he had already graduated from Boston University and was working full time, so that was a plus to not be going on a date with a college guy.

Our first date was at Sunset Cantina, a local Mexican bar and restaurant. Throughout the night, he made one too many “Seinfeld” jokes for a girl that did not like the show but I let it slide. The date was going decently until the bill came. I’m not one for the guy paying for everything however I do think he (or whoever is taking you out) should treat you on the first date. When the waiter placed the check on the table Quinn made no action to reach for it and even excused himself to go to the bathroom…

Clearly I was not going to pay for the both of us so I waited until he came back and then offered to split it, which he eagerly accepted. Surprisingly, he did treat me to a beer at a nearby dive bar (they were $2 beers so it wasn’t that big of an effort) after and then made fun of me for not knowing the song that was playing, “Fat Bottomed Girls,” by Queen. Ironic since I am not a “fat bottomed girl.”

I learned that me not knowing the song was his M.O. to get me back to his apartment. He insisted I needed to listen to the Queen vinyl that he had back at his place for full effect, which turned out to mean that he wanted to make out with me two seconds after the song started. I didn’t really get a good listen but it sounded like a decent song. I only stayed for a few minutes and then left.

He came over to my dorm a couple of nights later and left a better impression than the first one. He hung out with my roommates and I and was pretty enjoyable, which is why I went to his house the next week when he offered to cook us dinner.  Side note: I smoked weed in high school and in college, here and there, but have never been a serial smoker. I learned that Quinn smoked a lot and wanted to smoke with me as soon as I got to his place. I didn’t and don’t really smoke because I get very paranoid and insecure and I now assume I only smoked with him to impress him (don’t do that).

He cooked us salmon, which was so overly salted I wanted to projectile. I pretended to like it, dumb. After dinner, he asked if I wanted to watch “Freaks and Geeks” in his room, which is one of my favorite shows, so I obliged. I should have known from the song incident at the bar that when he asked me to watch or listen to any form of entertainment that it was really just a ploy to get me into his room.

We started kissing and one thing led to another and the next thing I know we were all in. I was pretty hesitant because I was just getting over my period (probably TMI but if you’ve been reading my blog, the whole thing is TMI, so that’s on you) but I just went with it. When we were done, he literally gave me a review, like an out loud report card, “That was really great. My favorite part was XXX.” I don’t even know if I could have felt more awkward, but then naturally I could have when it appeared I still slightly had my period.

I’ve never seen a guy act more mortified in my life. He freaked out and offered to walk me to my car… Pro tip to guys: Girls get their period. Don’t be a fucking psycho about it and don’t try and make them feel embarrassed by that.

He didn’t text me after that and when I reached out to him a few days later he informed me that he felt too awkward to ever see me again. Not so thankfully, we only lived a few blocks from each other, and I regularly saw him on the street. Splendid.

Date: Steroid Skylar 

Dating Dilemma:

I started talking to Skylar on OkC when I got back from winter break of junior year. He was 28 (while I was 20), had dark brown, buzz cut hair, big, chocolate brown eyes, and was short ( he was only an inch or two taller than me) but was also jacked. His arms were massive which is something I’m not really into but he pulled it off quite well. I learned that he worked at a company down the block from my school and lived only a couple of streets away from my college bar, which seemed like a good spatial situation to get into.

The first time I met him in person was when I went to his house with my roommate at the time and her boyfriend. We were all at a dorm party when Skylar asked if I wanted to hangout one Friday night. Since I already had some liquid courage and my friends offered to go with me I was in.

I’m kind of glad I had a few drinks by the time we showed up to his house so that I didn’t feel too nervous. He lived with two similar-aged guys that were with him when we showed up. We were at their place for a few hours and after some card games and drinks Skylar asked if I wanted to spend the night. That is a very abrasive move after only talking to someone on an app for a week and having personally known them for three hours but clearly I didn’t care because I said yes.

To be honest, I has some speculations based on his size (see: height) but sleeping with Skylar was one of the more memorable experiences of my college dating/hookup life. Maybe it was small man syndrome but he was very much in control and I was very much into it.

He drove me to back to school the next morning on his way to work and kissed me goodbye which I thought was cute. He also texted me shortly after letting me know he wanted to see me again. Knowing he was eight years my senior made me wonder what his motive was (clearly either looking for something serious or nothing serious at all) but I figured it couldn’t hurt to keep hanging out with him.

Valentines Day was only a couple of weeks after I hung out with him and I was spending the Hallmark holiday getting drinks with my girlfriends. He texted me at 11:55 p.m. (yes, I do remember the exact time) asking if I would be his valentine. Writing this reminds me of how cheesy that is but when you’re a 20 year old girl on Valentines Day and an older, attractive guy, asks you that, you almost always would say yes.

I left my friends (rule #101: don’t choose a guy over your girlfriends, ever) and met Skylar at a bar nearby. He was very into the P.D.A with me in front of a few of his friends, which I thought was odd but whatever. We were on the way back to his apartment later on when at some point one of his friends in the car home brought up that he took steroids…I wish I remembered the full context of the conversation but it was something along the the lines of him almost beating someone up when he was cracked out on steroids. This led to my internal panic attack on the same drive home.

I was half drunk and half very confused at this casual convo going on so I addressed it when we got back to his house and it was just the two of us. I had only known Skylar for literally two weeks and it was none of my business but I just felt like steroids is not something you want to be involved with. He was honest and told me that he did used to take them but no longer did. I didn’t and don’t believe that. He was way too jacked for someone of that size for it be natural.

I still spent the night at his place because we weren’t dating and I was also too lazy to leave. Later on, at one point in his bed, it went from great to horrible and painful within a millisecond, and happened too quickly for me to fully comprehend what had happened. He accidentally entered the wrong way and I do not do that. It was probably the most awkward sex-involved act ever and the most awkward moment with a guy I didn’t know very well.

We hung out a couple of times after that horrid, painful situation and then he casually moved to San Francisco but not before asking me over for one final booty call the night before he left. Thankfully for me and my dignity, I declined and quickly got over steroids and Skylar.

I’m not sure why my OkCupid dates got past these two nightmarish ones but nonetheless they did. More to come on that front. Cue premature embarrassment.

Flicker, Fade

When I first started writing this blog, almost two years ago, I thought about it a lot differently than I do now. Yes, I still want to write about stories from my college experiences and dating disasters but there’s also some serious stories that should be included too.

Throughout high school and college a lot of energy and tears went into learning how to cope with loss. I didn’t really experience the aftereffect of losing someone until my sister passed away when l was 17. No one can prepare you for that feeling. Almost ten years later and I found myself having to deal with it for a second time. However, this time it was a break-up from my best friend of 20 years and possibly the worst one I’ll ever have to experience.

Amanda (the same Amanda mentioned throughout all of these stories) and I met in kindergarten when we were five. Our friendship survived me moving twice, going to separate colleges, and living in two different cities hours apart after graduation.

We experienced almost every first at the same time: first concert (Britney Spears), first date, first love, and first break-up. It became a regular occurrence to blast Taylor Swift or Taking Back Sunday (depending on the mood) when one of us was dealing with guy issues. Rom-coms and magazines show us all the time how to deal with a break-up from your boyfriend or girlfriend. Cry, eat ice-cream, hang out with best friends, move on. But when a twenty-year friendship you have with someone starts to break down, you’re left with no guidance.

To be honest, it was a pretty traumatic experience that I’m still not entirely sure I’ll get over. To my knowledge there was no major disagreement or falling out. I thought she was busy with work but it’s been a year since we’ve spoken and countless attempts to reach out to her.  After this happens so many thoughts and questions cloud your thoughts until you start to question your own sanity.

If you ever find yourself in a similar position let yourself mourn and then move on. I cried, a lot. I probably screamed too. But there came a point where I realized I had no power over the situation as much as I hoped I did .

At this point, I don’t wish for the same friendship back. I wish for answers more than anything. I wish for the pain that came from this unfortunate event to not hit me like a brick in my back every-time something makes me think of our friendship.

I’ve learned that you can’t control peoples actions but you can let yourself learn and grow from shitty experiences you face. Nothing lasts forever, and if it does, you’re one of the lucky ones.

The Trey Chronicles

Trey could be a book all in his own but for now I’ll stick to just one post. It was during the summer of 2011, before my junior year started,  when I first met him. He lived in North Carolina at the time but was visiting family up in Vermont. I enjoyed being single that summer until I met him. At the time, I didn’t know the difference between lust and love but this was definitely one of the relationships that would help me to learn.

That summer, my friend Sam from high school lived alone and subsequently had parties almost every night. The warm night in July that I walked into Sam’s apartment and saw Trey I was immediately drawn to him. His eyes were dark green and reminded me of one of my favorite places near home, Mendon Field, at sunset, when the green of the leaves clung to the last speck of sunset. He was around 5’10” with tousled brown hair and scruffy facial hair. His style could be best described as a blend of laid-back surfer and hipster, between his skinny jeans, slouched beanie, and simple, gray T-shirt.

We met each other  while randomly paired as beer pong partners. After talking and a few drinks later, I realized that I went to high school with a couple of his cousins so we ended up having a few mutual friends. He was a couple of years older than me, played guitar, sang, and surfed – which was already enough to make me very interested in him.

The next day we became friends on Facebook and exchanged numbers after talking on there. I was slightly surprised when I never got a text from him and decided to make the first move. It was then that I realized that I had given him my dad’s number (only a one number difference than mine), which he had texted thinking it was me, and I couldn’t help but laugh. 

When we finally got the phone number situation under control we talked until one of us passed out. He had great taste in music and was really funny, even over texting. He wanted me to meet him at the bars downtown the next night but I was only 20 at the time and didn’t have a fake ID (lame, I know). I saw him out a few times that week, mainly at Sam’s place, and found out that we were both going to a party at my friend Molly’s that weekend. We were texting all night, every night, up until her party and I knew I wanted it to progress.

During one point at Molly’s party, Trey and I were sitting on her back deck stairs alone. After talking for a while he finally leaned over and kissed me. I clumsily fell backwards, laughing deliriously and felt so happy (probably a combination of alcohol and him). We stumbled back over to the bonfire, while everyone else was inside, and fell to the ground, not even caring that we were rolling around and kissing in the grass. I was glad that rather than ignoring me or the situation he texted me the following morning letting me know how much he enjoyed hanging out with me.

We were texting later that night and he told me that he wished he was in bed with me. Normally, I’m not one for sexting but I was falling for him. We were talking everyday about everything. I told him things I wouldn’t have told just anyone (cliche, I know). The things he would text me would turn me on – a lot. I mean he wrote songs so I guess he had to be good with words and I’m a sucker for a sweet talker, but I’ll let you use your imagination about what those texts said. 

Three weeks later and it was already the depressing night before he had to fly back to North Carolina. That night, he was visiting his cousin that lived near me and asked if I wanted to hangout when he left their house.  My heart was beating so fast from being nervous, but more so excited, to finally be alone with him. 

We went to Mendon Field, down the block from my house. It’s literally a field off of a dirt road but it’s absolutely gorgeous. There are zero lights in the nearby area so the amount of stars you can see there is unreal. We laid on the hood of his car for a while just talking and stargazing. Eventually we made our way into the backseat of his jeep and he could tell I was nervous. I really liked him but I also knew he was way more experienced than I was. I mean, I wasn’t a virgin but I had only had sex sober once and on that night I was dead sober.

Once we were in the back he leaned over and kissed me, gently at first, and then pulled me on top of him. He kissed my neck slowly, sending shivers through my veins. He made his way back up to my lips and I tugged at his hair, pulling him in closer. Up until then, I had never wanted anyone as much as I had wanted him in that moment. I didn’t sleep with him that night but we got close to it.

I was pleasantly surprised when Trey was confused as to why I was getting back into the front seat when we were done. He told me he wasn’t ready to leave yet and then we spent the next hour laying on his car watching the night sky. It was bittersweet to say goodbye to him. Bitter in the sense that whatever we had was ending and I was in way too deep but sweet in that I was leaving too. I was studying abroad in Italy the following month and I knew that I shouldn’t get hung up on someone, especially someone who lived almost 900 miles away.

I  thought I’d never speak to or see Trey after that night but as usual I was wrong. He called, yes called not texted, me the night he got back to North Carolina. Granted, he was drunk and it was after being out with friends but the point is that something made him think of me. We talked on the phone for a bit and then he suggested that we Skype. I, slightly panicking, said yes. As any typical girl would do, I sprinted to fix my hair and makeup and threw on a more appealing shirt as opposed to the oversized, ripped one I was wearing.

We Skyped for four hours that night, until five in the morning. I didn’t  realize how long it had been until I noticed the sun starting to rise. During that Skype session he let me know that he wasn’t looking to meet anyone else and that he enjoyed talking to me, a lot. Skype became part of our nightly routine, talking for hours on end, and texting throughout the day. My best friend Amanda, having never met him, told me I shouldn’t have such high expectations and that he was probably saying the same shit to other girls. In the long run, she was probably right but I choose to ignore her advice and continue life wearing my rose colored glasses.


No Sophomore Strings Attached

After things with Jack were finally over I was not looking for anything serious. Some, including myself, would call my sophomore year part of my “slut phase.” I know some people take offense to the word slutand that it can have a negative connotation but that’s only if you choose to allow it to. It’s one thing to only hook up with guys who are in relationships but for the girls who are just exploring their freedom and having fun, the more power to ’em.

When you go through this phase it’s most likely because for some reason you’re feeling lonely or just want to feel more independent. I know those are contradictions but I believe it. I think I was going through a little bit of both, that, or I was just a sophomore in college. What follows is the beginning of that phase for me.

Halloween Heath

Cady Heron wasn’t completely wrong when she said, “Halloween is the one night a year when a girl can dress like a total slut and no other girls can say anything about it.” My friends and I dressed as nerds for Halloween during sophomore year. We wore cut off jean shorts, low cut white Ts, knee-high socks, suspenders, and glasses. After pre-gaming with a couple of Four Lokos and a lot of MacBook photo booth photo shoots (RIP to both) we went to a party across campus at one of the lax player’s suite.

That’s where I met Heath. He was a senior and ,although not on the lacrosse team, he was friends with and lived with a few of the players. He was very tall, literally almost seven feet tall, with dark brown hair, and possibly green eyes (don’t judge my memory). To be honest, I vaguely remember meeting him at the party but there are some memories of walking to his room and then the unforgettable walk across campus the next morning.

We left during the party at some point (while holding hands) and passed the girl he was casually seeing. Signal death stares and eye rolls from her. He didn’t have a roommate so he slept on a DIY queen bed (two twin beds pushed together), which was a nice upgrade from the typical twin bed. I made out with him for maybe ten minutes before passing out. During those ten minutes he somehow managed to give me a large amount of hickies on my neck which made the walk of shame the next morning that much better.

I had an 8 a.m. class the morning after and thankfully woke up at 7:40 with just enough time to sprint across campus, change, and make it somewhat decently on time to class. Heath was still sleeping as I frantically searched for the rest of my costume and I was hoping he’d stay that way. I was so close to skipping the awkward exit but he woke up just in time to stop me. He asked for my number and kissed me goodbye (FYI I’m not a fan of this unless we’re dating or unless you actually know the person’s last name) before I left. I was the definition of a Blackout Betty: I had smeared makeup, was wearing remnants of my Halloween costume at 7:45 a.m. while walking past both students and teachers, and while carrying the rest of my costume. I had the honor of running into a tour group right outside of my building and the privilege of standing with them for five minutes since I forgot my keys. Welcome to Lasell, boys and girls. It took all of two hours before Heath texted me saying how beautiful I was and how much fun he had had with me. He must have really enjoyed sleeping.

I know this sounds horrible but I, for the majority of the next few months, somewhat led Heath on for rides to parties off-campus for my friends and I. Heath and I eventually stopped talking after he caught on to my bitchiness and he graduated at the end of that year. We didn’t see each other (or hookup) again  until alumni weekend the year after I graduated. That’s a story for another time.

Freshman Fridays

Going to a college thats essentially smaller than some high schools meant eventually running out of potential guys – at least ones in the same class as you. Two of my friends, Carter and Blaine, waited until the last second possible to choose housing so they wound up living in the same dorm that we were in freshman year. This led to them becoming friends with a lot of freshman guys and me subsequently hanging out with them.

The one that first caught my eye was Dom. He was from Long Island, had blonde hair and blue eyes, and facial scruff that every girl loves. He was, however, the biggest asshole I’d ever met and he knew it. I’m not entirely sure how it started but after hanging out with him a few times he messaged me on Facebook one night after midnight. I guess a Facebook message was the new booty call for when you don’t know someone’s number.

My roommate, Sofia, was still out so I figured what the hell when he asked to hangout. I should have made him walk to me but this was when I still wasn’t great about doing things on my own terms so I made the trek across campus to his dorm. I walked into the familiar building, passing Carter on the way, who gave me a confused, awkward look when I said I was there to just hangout with someone at 1 a.m.

When I got to Dom’s room he was watching “A Beautiful Mind,” starring Russell Crowe and it was the DVD – as in he chose to watch that. It’s a pretty serious movie to be watching on a Friday night when you’re waiting for a girl to come over. The walk across campus turned out to be worth it, thankfully, and although I knew he was an asshole, I still wanted to hook up again. He was a very serious guy which is why I think I liked hooking up with him so much. I was on this whole “single, don’t catch feelings” attitude high and that helped enforce it.

We started casually seeing each other a couple of nights a week for the next few weeks until it ended abruptly. When he texted me one night saying he wanted to come over and, “see the titties,” I should have taken that as a sign to not hang out with him again. Don’t ever say that to a girl. I was pretty buzzed and about to leave a party so I said yes. I was young and dumb.

We were in the middle of hooking up when he, out of nowhere, asked me if I was on birth control. I thought that had already been established but he decided to freak out and scream that I was lying about being on it. I’m not sure any sophomore girl in college would try to plot having a baby at 19 – just saying. I told him to leave and the next morning I woke up to a lengthy text explaining to me that I was a good girland he was sorry for yelling but just concerned.

End of Dom.